Where I’d like to be right now….
INSOMNIA. The state of being awake at night when you have 1,000,000 things to do in the morning , when you can’t do anything but think about somebody, just staring into the darkness wondering if there is something watching you. INSOMNIA. It’s so many things. I mean if I could put myself to sleep right now I would but I can’t. Either something is haunting me or I’m in a really bad episode of The Twilight Zone. I’d love to tell everybody that I’ll be sleeping a few minutes but I probably won’t be asleep until 5 minutes before I have to get up. Story of my life. It makes me wonder what everybody else around the world with insomnia is doing. We should start a club or something. How do you get to sleep at night?
I’ve gone through a lot of changes over the last year. Unbelievable highs and desperate lows. I have my moments where I truly believe that I can make change. I then find myself not strong enough in that moment to do so. I thought moving back home would fill whatever this void is that I have inside of me. Yet I feel more disconnected from what I used to consider normal now more than I ever did before. I need to take myself back. Back to a time of innocence and naivety. I need to isolate and shelter myself from all things that deprive me of inspiration, warmth and passion. In doing so, I know that I have and will lose friends and make enemies due to their lack of understanding or willingness to understand. But I’m okay with less quantity and more quality in my life.
If I write it all down, If I get it all out of me. Maybe I can start anew. If not new, maybe I can start again.
20 minutes later I’m still trying to catch my breath it was 1 of those nightmares where you have an out of body experience and you can’t tell whether it’s really happening to you or not I’m pretty sure that its all real because something like that has happened to me its so funny you think you move on over people and sometimes they just have a piece of you that they keep them forever I wish there was a way for me to be mad but I can’t just not that kind of person. I understand this is what I go through…. out of body experiences at 7 in the morning. My heart pounding out of me like it doesnt belong. I think it’s trying to tell me something. That the pain is real only if you can’t let it go.
Life has an interesting way of telling you when to take risks and when not to. Today, I woke up feeling like something special was going to happen. Like something bigger than me was plotting some event for the day. Turns out, the signs were right. Today, I got a little courage. Today, I put myself first. Soon we’ll find out if it pays off!!!
Interesting thought of the day:
How can change be expected if the process stays the same?!?
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I used to tell myself that I would be strong. That no matter what at the end of the day I only had myself. The one person on this earth that I shouldn’t betray but in the way that only I can do I did. Talk about honesty talk about love. If you really know me you know how minimal I make those characteristics and words seem. I act like I can’t be touched. Like I can’t be hurt. Like I’m made of steel. All I’m made of is insecurity and doubt. Took a while for me to admit that. Cause no one knew. Even if they knew now they may not believe it. Tired of pretending I guess. When I make my move. My next move. There’s no going back. And ill still be steel…at least to the naked eye.
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Backed into a corner,
Into a black hole
It left my body on earth,
And it took my soul
Walking on rock and dirt
Absorbing all the pain,
Feeling all the hurt
Trying to remember,
The things I once knew
What is happiness,
And why is every color now blue
Left foot then right foot,
Through crowds with no faces
Lacking the zest of emotion,
It’s bitter and tasteless
And all that I can see
Is what they want and wish,
For my tired bones to be
Hoping a miracle could happen,
Happen here and now
They’d reach into my past,
Find the old me somehow
But is moving forward,
A blessing or a curse
To deny what should be,
To lie, or even worse
To be a glass half empty,
Like the black hole intended
To be forever lost, broken,
Stuck and suspended.
Last night I decided to make myself a salad. But not just any salad. It’s the most wonderful salad ever. Here is my original masterpeice (if someone is already making it somewhere in the world I didn’t know).
WHAT YOU NEED:
Sliced Granny Smith Apples
Sliced Red and Green Bell Peppers
Sliced Red Onion
Mix that all together and you get
I know it looks messy but it tastes like heaven!
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Ok, so I’ve been gone for quite some time. You know how life is, you get busy and put things off yet they are never really forgotten! Today I had sometime to listen to Last.FM (which is an online streaming radio that I prefer over Pandora) and I heard a few new songs by some artists that I’m already into. I thought I’d share
1. Robyn… I like Robyn cause she makes songs that remind me of the times when you’re just chilling in your room doing nothing and thinking about boys. I can remember back in the day listening to her 1995 hit “Do You Know What It Takes”. It’s cool to see how she’s evolved. Check out this song called “Hang With Me”.
2. Regina Spektor… Who doesn’t like Regina Spektor?! The tone of her voice is soooo unique and I like that all her songs use quirky wordplay. What’s also awesome is that she has a tendency to seamlessly incorporate percussion sounds into her songs just by the way he picks and chooses when to enunciate. The first song I ever heard of hers was “Eet” which I loved but she definitely got me hooked when I heard “Hero” from the soundtrack of 500 Days of Summer. She may be old news to a lot of people but I’m still feeling her out. Here’s the newest one that I have on repeat. “Edit”
3. Imogen Heap…This girl from the UK is…… still ok in my book. I was listening to this song called “Hide and Seek”. It’s from 2005 and was recently sampled by Jason Derulo in “Whatcha Say”. I would have never put the two together but after listening to the whole song, the sample is such a small part of it that anyone who doesn’t know her music well would have not guessed that in a million years. The entire song is in auto tune. I think that is an interesting choice for this genre of music. Take a look!
4. Bat for Lashes…The lead singer Natasha Kahn is awesome! She’s really talented on the keys and has a really nice richness in her voice. This song makes me think of something from the old country in Britain. I’m just mystified and I like the lyrics alot. “Horse and I”.
Enjoy pleasuring your EARS!